My Friday manifesto:

Because we spend over eight hours a day, five days (possibly 6 or 7) a week working, our names should be our job titles. Therefore, my name is now Mr Public Relations Marketing Brand Architect Coffee maker Post Man Cleaner Driver.


Because humans are the cleverest animals on the planet and the average life expectancy is around 70 years old, from now on the working week will be two days and the weekend will be five days.


All MPs will attend classes on how to do up a tie correctly


Dog owners who don’t pick up after their dogs will have their noses rubbed in it!


Parents who allow their children to run around the streets at all hours will have to attend parent classes while wearing mandatory blight orange uniforms with the words ‘Community Payback’ written on the front and ‘I’m a bad parent, please kick me’ written in large letters on the back


People who insist on spitting in the street will have their noses rubbed in it!


Police must start every sentence with: “Hello, hello, hello…”

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